They/Them Boyboss asks:
I’ve been with my cis boyfriend for a year now. When we first started dating, he was exploring his gender, and I thought I’d never have to date a cis man again. However, things have changed, and he’s finished exploring — which has made me feel strange. I feel like we’re not really “queer” anymore? Like he would only date women if we were to break up. He also wants to have children, and I don’t, which further complicates things. How can I resolve these feelings?
They/Them Boyboss, I get the sense that you’re searching for permission to break up with your boyfriend. Well, here’s your Get Out of Jail Free card. You never have to have a tangible reason to leave an unsatisfying relationship, and groping around in the dark for blame or validation is bound to do you more harm than good.
Here’s what I’ve gathered: you’re disinterested in men, you don’t share long-term life goals with your boyfriend, and you’re worried that, at best, you’re an exception to his largely heterosexual lifestyle. You can’t — and shouldn’t — force him to reconsider his gender identity, you can’t — and shouldn’t — dissuade him from eventual fatherhood, and — well. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like your sexuality-related anxieties aren’t based upon anything he’s actually said or done.
You’ve only been together for a year, you know. Neither of you need to be at fault for your partnership to be unsustainable. If being with him makes you feel wrong, or “strange,” or even just more upset than not, you can always step away to explore greener pastures.
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Fox Auslander is a nonbinary poet born, raised, and based in Philadelphia. They are one of three co-lead poetry editors at Alien Magazine and one of two co-editors at Delicate Friend. Find them on Twitter @circumgender.