Cartoon Cuck asks:
My girlfriend freaks out if the TV is not on at all times. One time, during sex, she said, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” — but she was talking to a cartoon dude on TV she thinks is hot. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
“What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” Nothing, dude. You’re screwed! Game over. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things.
No, really, I mean it. I assume you’ve already asked your girlfriend why she has the TV on at all times, and I assume its presence is non-negotiable. If that’s not the case, then, well, that’s your first step towards understanding her compulsive viewing habits — sitting down and having a conversation. Maybe she’ll be willing to substitute her favorite series for an air conditioner or a good-sized box fan.
If you’ve already made the effort to empathize with her desire for white noise and she’s shown little willingness to compromise… this is the end of the line, my guy. I unpack a lot of unorthodox shit in this column, but I cannot imagine ever getting over my girlfriend professing her mid-coital loyalty to a 2D manshape. She’s gonna leave you for Rick Sanchez at some point, so you might as well pack your bags and head for higher ground.
HYPER/TEXT is a queer advice column for the digital age: a space for subcultural dilemmas that leave offline friends scratching their heads. Should you block your best friend over lesbian discourse? What on Earth is a “kinnie?” Check in biweekly for answers to these questions and more as we explore the lives of the hyper-online!
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Fox Auslander is a nonbinary poet born, raised, and based in Philadelphia. They are a chapbook editor at LUPERCALIApress, one of three co-lead poetry editors at Alien Magazine, and one of two co-editors at Delicate Friend. Find them on Instagram @circumgender.