Absurd on Wheels by Keysha Whitaker

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No sir.

Nooooooo sir.

I know you did not just park your bike in a parking space.

Not your motorcycle. Not your scooter. Not your Vespa.

Your bicycle. Two wheels. No motor.

Of course, your parking job suggests you’re operating without a motor too . . .

Maybe I’m overreacting. Who am I to judge if a man wants to put his kickstand down in front of Walgreens? If he wants to proudly pedal and park his ten-speed right into the center of two faded white lines?

Maybe I’m overreacting and being sexist. After all, I don’t know that it was a man.

I didn’t see him. But in my soul, I know a woman would not, could not do something so . . . so . . .

You know, I think I have underestimated you. This technique is an anti-theft device. Instead of locking your bike up against a pole outside the store (normal), you park it upright and unsecured in a parking space (not normal, so not normal). But here’s where you’re smarter than the average pedal pusher. The thieves will think that it’s a booby trap. Because who in the hell would leave a bike upright in the middle of a parking space?

It’s reverse psychology and psychotic.
I don’t mean to get down on you. Hey, none of us are “right.” Some of us just do a better job of making our loco blend in with the rest of the world’s.

But you sir, you’re not trying to hide your crazy-like social etiquette demands, and that’s, well, a little alarming.

Maybe you’re all New Age and are acting AS IF. Park that baby like it’s the Lexus coupe that’s on your vision board.
I’ve been trying to wait around to see who you are. I imagine you live in your momma’s basement and work the overnight shift at the 24-hour McDonald’s. I suspect you could be straight out of central casting – a real life pocket-protector Steve Urkel nerd type.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say the N-Word.

It’s probably better that I drive away now . . . past your bike . . . upright in that parking space . . .

I guess parking your bicycle in a parking space is just one of the things that makes you . . . you.

So park on, sir.

I’m confident in your soul of souls, you know that shit’s a little bit absurd.





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